I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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