So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
