My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
