The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
