Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
