she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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