I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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