ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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