Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
