Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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