You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
