Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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