i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
