Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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