Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
