i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
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