He is such a slut. More and more my type.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
