this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
whose parrot is this?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
