Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
