I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
