His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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