Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
