Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i will never coherently bang her
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
FUCK WHALES
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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