my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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