and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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