I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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