You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
