i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
