Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
