we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
