bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
