i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my being single is dangerous.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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