I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
