They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
