the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
