Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
