The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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