2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
