i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
