He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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