I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
