My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
