I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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