pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
