I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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