Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
