You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
