Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
