I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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