I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
