We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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