I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
