When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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