My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
