Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
